CCTV News:(Reporter Kang Yanlong, Sun Xiaoyuan and Li Shanshan) "I often doubt myself. I worry about how to educate my children almost every day, and I wander between pampering my children and being strict every day."
"After losing my temper with my child, I actually knew immediately in my heart that I was venting my emotions. The child didn’t do it to the point where I needed it. I was bullying the small."
"I am also a parent with trepidation. If I have more education, I am afraid that my children will be disgusted. If I have less education, I am afraid that I will delay my children for a lifetime. Every day, I am entangled and embarrassed."
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The tragedy of a 17-year-old boy jumping off a bridge has caused countless parents to reflect on family education. Left or right? It doesn’t seem that simple.
"What’s the use of raising you?"
"I have paid so much, can’t you even study hard?"
"Do you know how embarrassed I am in front of other parents? I can’t wait to find a crack in the ground. "
"What’s the use of raising you?"
When she is particularly angry, she will point her finger at her son and scream hysterically "You are a loser".
This scene may have happened to you, or it may be happening around you.
Ling is the mother of two children. The eldest son is 13 years old and is in junior high school. Children have just entered primary school. "Poor academic performance, what future can there be in the future?" In the education of children, she often asks herself this question over and over again.
It took her more than twenty years to go out from a village with only a dozen people in the depths of the Qinling Mountains.
When I was a child, I didn’t have enough food, no clothes to wear, and I couldn’t take a bath once a year. I had to go a long way to fetch water from the river … … The 39-year-old mother doesn’t want to talk about the hardships she suffered in her childhood.
Although she has settled down in the city now, the three labels of countryside, poverty and women have already been deeply intertwined and finally penetrated into her daily life of educating the next generation.
In the eyes of this stay-at-home mother who didn’t go to school much, her children can only have a way out in the future if they study. But it was also the problem of reading that eventually became an irreconcilable contradiction between her and her son.
When she is so thrifty and even harsh on herself that two dollars of face oil and ten dollars of lipstick have to be repeatedly entangled in whether it is necessary to buy them, she is still willing to spend thousands of dollars to enroll her children in various remedial classes. But when she pinned all her hopes on her children, she found that their academic performance was always ranked at the bottom of the class, which made her very collapsed and angry.
In severe cases, "poor study" will almost become the fuse of all the contradictions between her and her children.
"I’m a teenager, and I can’t hold chopsticks well?" "Don’t drink soup when eating, but drink water?" "So big, can’t even walk well?"
Even when her younger brother was pushed down while playing, she would be furious. "If you don’t study well, even your younger brother can’t protect you?"
Her son’s academic performance is like a nail firmly nailed to her heart, pulling her sensitive nerves from time to time and reducing her weak sense of security.
If you don’t study hard, you won’t be able to get ahead in the future, and you won’t even find a decent job. In the family education relationship, she has always been at the strong end, with her only life experience, irrefutably planning the future for her children. Until her son began to resist, she threatened with a knife, and her son ran away from home. She was anxious to call the police.
She once thought that after giving birth to a second child, her attention could be slightly shifted, but the reality was not entirely the case. The boss’s educational model unconsciously began to repeat itself on the second child.
"I also know that he likes street dance, but what can I do?"
With my mother here, even a bridge that high will be kicked over!
Xiaoying in junior high school is also a naughty child. Looking back on more than ten years ago, even he himself feels "so annoying! I was really disobedient at that time! "
It is common to not listen to lectures, be criticized by teachers, and find parents. Once in trouble, the teacher really couldn’t stand it. She left a small photo in the classroom to reflect, but forgot his existence after school. "I was alone in the classroom, but I was so stubborn at that time that I stayed alone until ten o’clock in the evening."
In the dark and quiet teachers, I can only hear my anger: "I want to die in the classroom like this and let the whole class see my body tomorrow." Until a flash of lightning, accompanied by a familiar call, lit up the classroom.
"I suddenly realized that if I really did that, tomorrow, in addition to the onlookers of the whole class and the whole school teachers, there must be my mother and my father in the crowd, and their grief is beyond my imagination." Realizing this, Xiaoying’s heartbreaking cry resounded through the classroom. A boy cried like this, "The loud cry made my mother kick the classroom door crazily."
The next day, because of the teacher’s forgetfulness, my angry mother came out of the dean’s office and walked out without looking back, leaving a cold message to the dean and the deputy dean and the headmaster who heard the news: "I am waiting for the news from your school, hoping to satisfy me."
This sentence, even after more than ten years, is still deeply imprinted in Xiaoying’s mind.
"My parents are still very strict with my education, but their definition of strictness is not ‘ Anger ’ 、‘ Scold ’ Instead, it is based on reasoning. " Afterwards, my mother gave Xiaoying a particularly heavy punishment for violating classroom discipline.
"I rarely make personal attacks on me. When I am wrong, I just get angry and lose my temper. I will never say something like how I gave birth to something like you." In Xiaoying’s mind, the mother clearly knows how to educate her children. "There is no excessive doting, nor is it too strict."
The 17-year-old boy jumped off the bridge and his mother collapsed in pain. (Video screenshot)
After many years, recalling this incident, Xiaoying felt that she didn’t jump off the bridge at that time. First, because there was no such high bridge at that time, and then, "with my mother, even if there was such a high bridge, she would kick him over." Xiaoying has always been glad to have such a mother, and the more she grows up, the stronger this feeling becomes.
"As parents, we should not only use a certain fixed way to educate our children, but should combine several ways to make sense and let them know ‘ Reason ’ , guide children to know ‘ Thinking ’ A rough way is also good, which can let children know what is ‘ Fear ’ 。” Nowadays, Xiaoying has entered the society and established a family. "Although there is no great promise," she thinks that her world outlook and values are very positive.
Exhausted or powerless.
"It’s almost 16 years old! I don’t know anything at all. I will talk back with a little criticism. As for learning, I don’t care at all. " When talking about her son in the third grade, He Yan showed a kind of helplessness in her words.
Being playful, tired of learning and rebellious became He Yan’s direct evaluation of his son. In He Yan’s eyes, the son who immediately faced the senior high school entrance examination did not take the initiative to read books and do homework, but went to his uncle’s house to watch movies online when he had time. I’m not afraid of losing my temper, and I don’t listen to reason. "Maybe I’m too used to him since I was a child, and now I basically ignore what I said."
At first, his son secretly took his mobile phone to play games, but He Yan didn’t care too much. When his son neglected to study because of the game, He Yan began to panic. She never leaves her mobile phone, for fear of being "stolen", but her son picks up the old one and even borrows it from relatives.
Finally, He Yan was forced to "warn" relatives, "Don’t let the children touch the mobile phone again, or I will turn my face." Although after a series of wits, the child did not play games much, but He Yan felt that the child’s mind was still not put into learning.
He Yan hopes that his son can get into a good university. For his academic performance, all the training courses such as mathematics and English are arranged. During the winter and summer vacations, his sister who went to college came to tutor, and even quit her job last year to take care of her son who is about to take the entrance examination. Looking at my son’s exam results now, I am really angry: "In my opinion, he is not attentive and his mind is not focused on his studies."
"If you don’t work hard now, I’m afraid you won’t even get into high school, let alone college!" The anxiety in He Yan’s speech is very obvious.
Last winter vacation, the child insisted on going to his grandmother’s house in the country, but his father strongly disagreed. Under the dispute, he beat the child and the child ran away from home. At that time, I didn’t care too much, thinking that he went to my uncle’s house not far from home. "As a result, I called my brother at midnight to know that he didn’t go, and we panicked."
He Yan and her husband began to search all over the county, fearing that something would happen. "At that time, I really regretted hitting him." I searched almost the whole county, found someone in front of a bank ATM at five o’clock in the morning, and spent a whole night in the cold wind. After finding the child, He Yan cried unwillingly.
"Forcing him is also good for him. Why is such a big child not obedient at all?"
Since her son left home last year, He Yan has also begun to reflect on her education methods. Seeing that the day of the senior high school entrance examination is getting closer and closer, she has also begun to encourage him slowly. "Sometimes the more she blames, the more rebellious she becomes."
My daughter hit someone when she was in kindergarten. "I was so surprised!"
"Now many parents are more concerned about how their children learn and whether they can get into a good university in the future, but they don’t pay enough attention to their psychological development. Even if there are some problems sometimes, parents will not deal with them in time for various reasons until the problems happen. "
As a parent who has studied psychology, Zhang Ronglin pays more attention to her daughter’s personality development than her academic performance. "The most important thing is kindness, and I hope she will be healthy and happy."
At her daughter’s request, Zhang Ronglin dictated to her daughter.
Zhang Ronglin used to be an auditor. He traveled a lot and didn’t have much time to spend with his children. Before the children went to primary school, he was also anxious, and his problems with children were simple and rude. When her daughter went to kindergarten, the careful father found a particularly serious problem with her daughter.
In an open class, my daughter hit a child around her and asked her why she hit someone. "Did the child treat you?" She said, no, it’s just that a good friend she likes hit people, so she also hit them. "I was so surprised,"
It may also be because of anxiety, but this beating problem shows, "My daughter doesn’t have her own independent personality. She always likes to run behind other children’s asses, whatever other children do." After the children went to primary school, Zhang Ronglin felt that he couldn’t wait any longer. He quit his auditing job and became a full-time father.
"If we can effectively accompany our children during their growth, we can have a better understanding of their personality characteristics and the way and ability to deal with problems. Once children encounter emotional troubles, it is easy for us to find ways to ease them."
At this stage of primary school, mothers will occasionally accompany their children to do homework. "My principle is that if children need us, we are there. If children don’t need us, we won’t interfere too much." Compared with academic performance, what makes Zhang Ronglin more headache is her daughter’s study and living habits, especially some life details, for example, "My daughter doesn’t drink much water all day."
Zhang Ronglin thought of many ways to help her daughter cultivate good living habits and independent personality, and also specially developed a tool to pay attention to children’s growth. In fact, after years of practice, "I found that compared with the formation of those habits. The relationship with children and parent-child communication mode are more important. "
Every weekend, my father will organize a family meeting, set a certain theme, let my daughter speak, exercise her expressive ability, ask my parents what to do and what my grandparents do for a certain matter. In addition to being the organizer of the meeting, dad is also the recorder of the whole family. At each meeting, he summarizes which family members have performed well and which need to be improved.
My daughter will make mistakes no matter how good she is. "I will control my emotions first, and then I will understand what she has experienced and what I need to do." On the basis of understanding the situation, find an appropriate time to guide. " When a child has different opinions, "I will listen to her thoughts first. As long as it doesn’t involve personal safety and things that affect others, I will generally respect her opinions."
Recently, my daughter had another situation in class similar to that in kindergarten, because her good friend took the lead in slandering her classmates, and her daughter followed suit, which caused some harm to her classmates. After Zhang Rong Lin learned about the situation in many ways, when he picked up his daughter from school, his father, who had always been gentle, suddenly became particularly strict. "At least I showed it like this, let the children know that dad’s attitude is very clear in this matter." My daughter was scared at that time, too. Later, she took the initiative to confess this matter and finally apologized to her classmates.
In terms of praise, Zhang Ronglin is more stingy. "I generally don’t praise her for how much she has achieved, but I affirm her commitment to this matter." Recently, the dance troupe of my daughter’s school took part in a dance competition. After half a year’s rehearsal, the school and teachers were very satisfied with the children’s performance. "I was very touched after watching it at the scene. However, after the end, I just encouraged her a few words, saying that she has made a lot of efforts in what she likes. "
There are no perfect parents and no perfect children. On the education of children, parents are not only parents, but also half teachers, half psychological counselors, half doctors and half orderlies … … Children need to grow up, so do parents?
At the request of the interviewee, Aling, Xiaoying and He Yan are pseudonyms.
